did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
