I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
