i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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