just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
