"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize