Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
