I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
50% drunk capacity currently
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
