when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
