I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
