Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.