I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
