She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
