That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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