Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
