i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
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Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
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Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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