she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
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I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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