Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
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I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
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Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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