dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
porn star boner night. come get it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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