I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
