I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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