the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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