Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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