I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
