i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
