sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is