Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
