Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
