I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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