Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
