I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
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