We need to start having sex underwater more often.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
