Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
It's blow job season.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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