I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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