i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
