Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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