my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
