We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Little spoons don't ask big questions
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
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Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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