My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
