A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
