I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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