who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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