id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
