Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
