i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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