just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
