i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
