I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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