4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
