this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
