textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
