you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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