When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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