I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
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Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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