Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
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We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My bed smells like the plague
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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