I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
