Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
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he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
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We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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